In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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