I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
