She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
