I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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