I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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