Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
