I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think im going to throw up on grandma
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
