I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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