She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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