My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
