oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
