I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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