What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
