my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
