I'm so fucking centered right now
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
