my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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