I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
