I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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