My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
