I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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