Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
