She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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