saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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