I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
