Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
