hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
