I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
