I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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