I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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