my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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