The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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