I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
