On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize