i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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