I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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