People in love make me want to vomit
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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