i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
