If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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