OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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