Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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