____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize