go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
