I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
