Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
