he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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