The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
