I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
