you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
