mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
