Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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