....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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