I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
