I think i sorta joined a cult last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You are the jesus of drinking
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize