Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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