I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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