hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
