Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
