that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just tell him i said nine months
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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